Similitude

     I've been pondering a thought for a while now. But it's about two wonderful things, so I think it's ok for me to spend so much time considering it, for there will my heart be also. I've gone over this dozens of times in my head and I've retyped this post over and over. It is far from complete I am sure, but important nonetheless.


     I am thankful in so many ways for the relationship that I truly feel the Lord has given me. I think one of the most important things though, is that it has taught me more about Him.

     I told TA the other day the other day about a sermon I've probably mentioned before. Bro Sam Bryant preached it at Cool Springs about David and Goliath, "Focus on God when facing the giants in your life." He said that when we see a big problem looming on the horizon we shouldn't get scared, we should get excited! We know God is going to get us through whatever lies ahead, so we should look forward to seeing his mercy and grace and power demonstrated in an undoubtedly awesome way. I don't know how many times I've had to just stand there and laugh to myself because I prayed that some problem be fixed and then it was, but in a way that I never would have thought of - Him showing me, "See, I can do so much more than you can think or ask."
     And I told TA that, though it's not something I'm proud of, I frequently underestimate him too. He was off one Monday and planned on coming to Fayetteville and surprising me after class, and I never would have suspected it. Just little things like that. It's the measures that might seem small at first, but their simplicity belies the depth of devotion that they represent.
     I heard someone say one time that you should think of it this way: God didn't just bring us up to heaven, we were far lower than that. He brought us out of hell and then up, double the distance. The sacrifice is beyond anything I can comprehend. All I can know is that he loved me enough to do a whole lot, and I see that in TA. He would go double the distance too.


     He knows me. We were riding down the road the other day and he could tell what I was thinking just by the look on my face. This is very important to me because it shows that he cares enough to pay attention and learn things. God knows us better than anybody. He knows what goes on in our heart of hearts and looks at our intentions as well as actions. Because we're important to him.

    God knows each and every one of our faults and failings too though. I am ashamed at how self-centered I am, and though hopefully not everybody knows this, Ta does. He has seen me when I'm ugly with the vileness of sin, and he has gently picked me up and straightened me out. Both know I am imperfect, but choose to love me anyway.

    Another thing that's a similarity I could do without: I should do better in my relationships with each of them. We don't talk enough. I don't spend enough time just being with them. I lie awake at night thinking about them and wishing I'd done better that day. I should spend more time thinking about what is pleasing to them and then acting on it.







*As an update to this post.

   I look forward to the day we get married both because it's the start of getting to live the rest of my life with him and because of what it represents. I will have a husband. I'm excited about the experience of being married because I think it will help me to learn more about being married to my Lord as a member of his bride. On that day I feel like I will get to be closer to both of them, and that's terribly exciting.

    

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY

For my birthday or Christmas a while back, I don't remember which, Julia gave me this little notebook. On the cover it says - 

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY

A journal to reassure myself when I'm overwhelmed by the creeping sense of impending disaster and the all-encompassing fears both specified and vague that colonize my mind, body, and soul, all of which, from the completely far-fetched to the sometimes probable, do me no good to contemplate and in fact make me miserable, and even though optimism may be unself-aware and ill-placed, I know I'll be happier as a blind fool than as a clairvoyant apocalyptic.

It's a really tremendous run-on sentence that perfectly describes my mental processes 90% of the time that I'm in school. Each double-page spread has a quote on a bright background on the left, and room to write "what I'm hanging hope on today:" on the right.

On the first page, right next to Lawrence Welk's quote, "There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them," I decided to take the opportunity and start a list of good memories. And it has proven remarkably helpful in making me smile when I read through them again. It is a wonderful work in progress.

Good Things

• when we went to the Natural's game for Julia's birthday and started a tradition
• going kayaking for the first time with Mem and Aunt Cindy 
• going kayaking the second time 
• Tennessee
• when we went to Ft Smith to get school supplies, and again to get a computer
• when we went to Petco before we got Misha because we were so excited to get a dog we couldn't wait to get him a collar
• when TA wanted to go shopping to get Misha a Christmas present
• watching Star Wars after studying all day
• the first football game as Wolverines
• going to Ft Smith with Julia and Momma and Daddy and Clair
• when Bro Adam came to see me in Fayetteville and we ate fish and talked
• that time I was sick and TA came over anyway and stayed all day and played games with Caleb and Clair
• taking candy canes to the nursing home and chocolate to the hospital at Christmas
• chaperoning the homecoming dance
• eating BBQ after taking Kenneth's sister's prom pictures
• going to see Zootopia for my 21st birthday and then eating at Red Lobster at 9:00 at night
• riding in the very back of the car with Clair because the dogs took our seats
• surprising Julia at the baseball game
• binge-watching every episode of Stranger Things because we were out of school
• eating at that 5-star hole-in-the-wall after going kayaking
• when we went ring shopping and the sales guy had him open the ring box to let me see what it would be like
• when Momma and Clair and I went dress shopping and Clair found the one
• going to AtoZ with Momma and Clair and just wandering around before we met Caleb and Daddy at Cracker Barrel
• setting up at the farmer's market
• watching the Jungle Book with Kenneth and Bro Fred and then eating Red Lobster super late again after
• going shopping and to see the BFG with Julia and Andrew
• this picture of Christmas '15 (including whatever Momma's eating, Ta's floating elbow, sloth pillow, Impractical Jokers on TV, reappeared Ta, and Caleb in half a Deadpool costume)
  

  

He hears you

I took a quiz today and I didn't do so great on it. It could have been worse, but it could have been better, and it left me really discouraged. The more I thought about it, the hazier my thinking got and the worse I felt. What am I doing? Maybe I've finally found the thing that I just can't do. What am I going to do on my test Thursday? And it just went downhill from there. Everything I'd been doing to prepare myself went out the window and my faith was gone with it. 

It bothered me for a long time. Then on our way to church, Ta asked me something about one of the questions that I'd been having trouble with on the quiz and I lost it just a little. My frustration came bubbling back to the surface, ready to grab me and drag me to the bottom of despair with me hardly kicking in resistance. I didn't take it out on him, I took it out on myself, and I wallowed in it for a good ten minutes. 

Then my head began to clear a little, and the distress slowly ebbed. I felt reason returning, and I gradually got my emotions under control enough that I could start reapplying logic to the problem. I worked it out out loud and got through it, and it made me feel just a little bit better. And I thanked him for letting me just get it out of my system and verbalize what I needed to.

And he said that's ok, that he was mad at himself for bringing up something that would upset me like that. And that the minute I'd started crying he'd started praying really really really hard. And he had only gotten out two "Lord help her"s before I'd started talking it out and had gotten better.

It's a great gift to have a Lord that will listen to your prayers. It's just as amazing when he gives you friends who will go to him on your behalf when you forget.

Acquiescence

I am proud of my boyfriend. He has accomplished a lot, and he's doing very well, and I love to see that. But that's not really what I'm talking about here.

He's just good. And that's what makes me proud.

I don't have to fight with him or "play games" or scheme to get what I want. Usually what we want is the same thing. We have the same goals for the future, and I know we will find places where those don't quite overlap as perfectly as we think, or where our ideas of how to get there don't perfectly mesh, but that doesn't scare me. Because he cares for me, truly and very deeply. And that love, with its earnestness so pure it amazes me, lends sincerity to his desire to include me in every decision he makes.  

I also don't need to "train him." That same love is patient and knows that sometimes I want things he doesn't understand. If it's important to me, he makes it important to him. I don't need to condition him - I need to communicate with him. And I need to remember that sometimes he thinks what I want just doesn't make any sense, and it really doesn't. 

He would go out of his way to make me happy in anything. He literally just spent an hour looking up corny jokes on the internet, trying to find one to make me smile because he knew I wasn't doing too hot. The minute he senses that I feel bad he's there with a hug and a shoulder for me to wipe my nose on and his concern is genuine in a way that epitomizes his love for me I think. 

If I want something, all I have to do is ask. He may say no, but he will always consider it before he does. He's the logical one, and I can always count on him to be my counterbalance. I know too that it will never be neglect of my desires that causes the negative decision. Conceding that Star Trek is sometimes better than Star Wars - that little acquiescence is the mark of a man that really cares.

His love reminds me of a greater one, and it encourages me to do better on my part. His devotion is such a wonderful gift, and it makes me so thankful, that I want to do my best for him too.

Gideon

      The story of Gideon and the fleece has always been one of comfort to me, but also of some befuddlement.

36  And Gideon said unto God, If thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said,

37  Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said.

38  And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water.

39  And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew.

40  And God did so that night: for it was dry upon the fleece only, and there was dew on all the ground.

      Gideon says twice that he knows God has said it will be so, yet he still asks for proof. And not just one form of substantiation, but this complex dewey vs dry thing twice. He wasn't satisfied with just God saying Israel would be saved by his hand. He needed a sign. Twice.
      I've always wondered why God gave it to him. Twice. Even Gideon was a little worried that God would get fed up with him because when he asked the second time he was a little hesitant, sort of going to God with his hands up like an apologetic fence-sitter - Ok, don't get mad when I ask this, and this is the last time I'll ask, I promise, but could I get just one more?
      I say this like I'm incredulous, like I really can't believe Gideon could do such a thing, but that's not the case. I empathize completely. That's why the story is also comforting. We have a very patient God who doesn't roll his eyes when I go to him for the 45,272,884,626,720,938,475,638th time today to ask that he remind me of his presence, be with me in this trial, give me some modicum of comfort to help me get through just this moment.


     I have been told that the command to "fear not" is in the Bible in some form 365 times, one for every day. And I need every single one of them. There are few times when I am not worried about something, and there are days when I could read all 365 and still beg for more damp fleece.
      It's not that I doubt God's word. It says over and over - sort of as a companion phrase, I think, to the "fear not" - that He will neither fail thee nor forsake thee; which is to remind you that God won't leave you without hope, and he won't fail in anything he tries. You can't somehow escape the reach of God's comforting hand; you are never in too deep for his help.
      What I fear instead is that though he is able to fulfill his will, maybe his will isn't the same as mine. I pray to do good on this test, and I know that he could help me make a perfect score if he wanted, but maybe he doesn't want. Maybe I didn't study enough and I won't get the grade that I want. I know to just do my best and let God handle the rest, but maybe I didn't work hard enough, maybe I should have done more, maybe it's my end of the deal that won't get upheld. It's completely ridiculous. Honestly, trying to put it into words now makes it seem like the silliest thing. Like God and I have this contract about my grades and if I don't do my part of the bargain, neither will he. (From this I can extrapolate and I really become so thankful for a doctrine not based on the works of man. Free grace is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. If fear for my grades is this debilitating, imagine what fear for my eternal salvation would be like...) So I wind up going back to the Lord over and over again, asking for peace, reassurance, comfort, support, anything.


     So why does God continue to dish out the fear not and the be not afraid and the oh ye of little faith? He's the ever-merciful soup kitchen attendant with an endless supply of warm meals for the needy - never turning away, sometimes saying wait, but always delivering. It's because he knows we need it. We are so weak and feeble that we require repetitive reminding and reassurance. Our sinful nature keeps us slipping like sweaty hands on a non-mechanical, number two test pencil. And it's okay to need it. It keeps us present in the throne room.

      And one more thing. When Gideon asked for the fleece to be wet, the results weren't questionable. It wasn't just a little moist, there was a bowl's worth of water wrung from it.
      Sin also makes us come back over and over. The king's dainty meats are sweet and tempting, but they are also deceitful and hardly filling. We go back to sin out of habit like the nauseated canine, feeling relief for a while but then sick again. Both repetitious behaviors are due to weakness; we are weak to sin and sinful promise is too weak to stand up to the meat of God's word. So when we find ourselves going back for more, we should question the cook and try the spirits. If it is of the Lord, we will wring the fleece and take a swim; if not, we will find ourselves hungry, wanting, and looking for another place to eat.

Darling

I just had a thought. I was midway through a cracker and it was such a moving thought that I involuntarily stopped mid Ritz to contemplate it a little while longer.

And the thought was this: 

I have someone on whom I can lavish every bit of affection my little heart desires and this person not only enjoys it, but reciprocates! 

Even my dog gets wiggly when I try to snuggle with him too long. That's one thing that I count invaluable - that he never breaks away from a hug unless absolutely necessary, he's always willing to hold my hand and seeks it out at every opportunity, and for every sentence in a conversation he has twice as many "I love you"s. He truly loves me. He places my happiness above his own. He praises me far beyond what I consider really accurate.

I'm talking about Ta of course, but most of what I've said applies to God too. And I think I am right to commend my sweetheart for loving me with a love that mirrors the greater one. I consider often how I might improve myself to be more like the great women of the bible (a topic that Bro Philip Conley has been covering lately, much to my delight: http://coolspringspbc.org/audio-sermons/?series=41 ), to be a good wife eventually, to be valued far above rubies. But I forget that it goes both ways. There are things he needs to do too. And that is not to say that I should spend more time critiquing his actions and comparing him to the very highest standard; I should guide when need be and remind if necessary, but I should also praise him when he does well and lift his heart when he's feeling discouraged about it. 

He wants to take care of me. When we first talked about getting married his number one criteria for determining a timeline was that he would first have a steady job with which he could provide for us. On a slightly smaller scale maybe, any time I trip or cut myself on something or run into a large, stationary object that could have easily been avoided by anyone but me (as I so often do) he is right there, waaaay more concerned than he should be (at least I think so). 

He knows that we're partners in everything. Any time there is a decision to be made his first question is what I want. Choosing meal locations is a nightmare because I usually have no preference and he refuses to admit his own until I have. When he accepted the teaching position at Western Yell he called me, completely racked with guilt because he hadn't called me first - even though we had been talking about it for days during which I repeatedly told him I knew he was going to get it and I was so excited for him, and the call would have consisted of "what do you think? should I take it?" "well duh." 

He honors me. He treats me like a lady. He opens doors and pulls out chairs (even when he's on crutches and I feel like I'm taking advantage of an invalid). He doesn't ask me to do anything for him if he can do it himself. He is never intentionally condescending. He is respectful of my emotions and does his best to keep me happy, not just to keep himself out of trouble, but because he really wants me to always be happy.

 

Hiss

One thing that really disturbs me is the presence of a little voice whose speaker I know far too well. If you care to notice it, you can hear it too, though hopefully not as frequently as I do. It sneaks into your mind when you are presented with temptation, and if you're not carefully watching and defending the city, it can easily penetrate the walls and wreak havoc in your life. If you let it, it will slither under your skin and take control of you, moving your limbs, controlling your tongue, poisoning your thoughts. By grace, though, you can learn to tell it apart from good thoughts and in this way prevent it from infiltrating and ruining. (A note here: one need not be familiar with the voice to recognize it as bad - if we can recognize the voice of The Lord, we can tell all others apart from it and thereby know from which to flee.)

A few things it whispers to recognize as warnings:

It's worth it

There won't be any consequences

If there are consequences, they won't be bad

The reward will outweigh the punishment

A little guilt on your conscience is better than missing this opportunity

Nobody else thinks it's wrong

Lots of people do it

Just a little will do

You aren't harming anyone

Nobody's watching

You know you want it

It doesn't expressly say not to

It's not as bad as other things

God will overlook this one

It's really not bad

You're overreacting

When I hear these things I recognize their source, and the only way to convince myself that he's wrong is to remember who is right and the severity of ignoring what I know He would say. I imagine a slithery, scaly little thing sliding under my skin, and I think about how horrifying it is to know that there is such vileness inside me. I don't want the monster whispering to me, I want to sweep him out and scrub the floor where he stood with bleach. So I try to think about God instead, fill my heart and mind and soul with Him because if I do, there isn't room for anything else.