So it's rare that I can't figure out what I'm feeling. If I'm scared or anxious I break it down and ask myself what the specific cause of the discomfort is and what I can do to fix it. If I'm happy I know to feel that emotion wholeheartedly and revel in it so that I can remember it better later.
But sometimes everything is so mixed up that I really can't tell. Like right now.
I feel uncomfortable; not specifically worried or frightened, but not completely at ease. I feel contentment and satisfaction when I think about this past week, my vacation from school. But not completely satisfied because it's over and it was so nice. A little blue. I feel rumpled, out of sorts, slightly on edge. Like I'm waiting for something. Maybe a little dread mixed with an understanding and a resignation but without resent.
So it's not that I don't know what I'm feeling, but that I'm feeling so many things at once it's hard to smooth them out into a managable form that I can fold nicely and put away.
What I do in these situations, and in situations like the aforementioned scared and anxious states, is think. Particularly during periods of the negative emotions, my mind works overtime. And the conclusion I've come to is that in a lot of circumstances what I can do is just enjoy this particular moment. There's something good right this very second even if I'm terrified of something within the next hour or day or week. My bed is soft. I'm not sick. I can see so many different colors and they're all pretty in one way or another.
I pick one of the good emotions mixed in there with all the rest and try to focus on it. The contentment for example. It was nice to get away from school and not have to worry about anything for a while, and I did have a lot of fun. All week I looked forward to Ta and I going to Crystal Bridges, and then Saturday came and it happened and now it's over.
And the general steady flow of time is kind of depressing to me. No matter how much I'm looking forward to something, how much I enjoy it, it'll eventually be over, and I don't like the feeling of it being over. I have this weird phobia of missed opportunities, it's strange and specific, but intense, and once something I really enjoyed has passed I always feel like there was something else I should have done to have made the most of it.
But instead of dwelling on that, I look forward again. I was excited about this weekend, now I'm excited about next weekend and then the end of the semester and then summer and so on. Deep down I don't really want any of those things to come any faster because I think the anticipation is half the fun.
I try to think about things that make me smile. And not in a whistful kind of way, but in the way that you can feel your eyes crinkle and you know it's for real.
And I try to remember to think about right now too. I really am content with some aspects of my life at this very moment. Happy even. Hopeful. Excited. Optimistic. (Head over heels.)
