Bees are among the most noble of creatures I think. And I know that these thoughts don't seem to be linked, but hang with me. I like bees a lot, and part of it may be that feeling of female camaraderie, but I also like how they're industrious and protective of the hive and uphold their system no matter what. They have a lot of good traits. And they make honey, which I happen to really like too.
I'm a terrible swimmer. If you can even really call it swimming. I splash around a bit and hope I don't drown because really all that's keeping me afloat is doggy paddling and basic physics. I hardly spent any time in the pool at all as a kid and I still don't get in the water much now, just long enough to thoroughly embarrass myself and make the painful semi-annual hunt for a flattering swimsuit necessary.
All this said, watch it all come together like relatives at a family reunion who haven't seen each other in years and barely know each other's names - awkwardly and full of regret.
School is looming and I look forward to it like I'm getting some appendage amputated. It's like I'm being led to the guillotine and I have time to think about how if it doesn't work right away I'll probably die of tetanus or some awful disease since they didn't bother to clean the blade.
(I said this would come together. I guess we'll see...)
But it's really not that bad. It's a change. But only slightly really because I'VE ALREADY DONE IT ONCE NOW. That's the part that keeps getting me. I'm scared of something that I've already experienced and survived. It realy can't be any worse than last year right? I think it's that I conditioned myself, except instead of dogs and bells and slobber, I associated school with debilitating anxiety and other negative emotions that keep the makers of Prilosec in business.
So what's getting me through this minor attack of nearly paralyzingly fear is thinking about it like this: (and finally the tie-in) it's something I have to do, so suck it up buttercup.
Going through this will make me smarter, and more experienced, but that's not very good motivation for me because benifits for myself just aren't that interesting. I can do without. It's thinking that I'm depriving somebody else that I can't stand. So I'm doing this to make people proud. So I won't have to depend solely on my husband in the future. So my children will have more opportunities. So that someday maybe I can help somebody with what I've learned. I'm metaphorically tying myself to the stake so academia can roast me in hopes of a better future for people I care about. The worker bee, nearing the end of her life, will crawl as many yards as it takes for her to deliver her load of pollen so that the hive will have food all winter.
Quit worrying about it you little fool. It's different, but same isn't possible so work with what you've got. The little things don't matter. Enjoy the flower you're on and dont worry about the first frost in mid-June. Appreciate every good thing and pray for strength to get to the hive one more time.
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